Respect: Earned Or Given?

On topic until I veer off.

Photograph from aconsiousrethink.com

Respect is earned.
We’ve heard that already.

Some people say respect should just be given like napkins at a restaurant.
I wonder what percentage of the population truly believes that. Not judging. Just curious.

Anyway.

I’ve noticed that often people confuse respect with being well-mannered.

And for me: respect has to be earned.

You can’t force it. Unless you’re willing to brainwash people, by breaking them down and rebuilding their beliefs through some psychological method, because respect— like love—is more of a feeling, and when it comes to respect, that feeling has a tinge, sometimes a wave, of admiration in it.
In other words, it’s not just some practical behavioral exchange, it’s your beings’ internal response to someone it genuinely values.

Unlike being courteous or polite, those don’t require much feeling as much—they are more like acts. Opening a door, waving hello, saying “good morning” or “thank you”, walking away from an escalated situation, are all given as a manner of human decency to promote universal peace, but it does not require a certain feeling.

[This of course excludes people who suffer from some serious psychological distress that would prevent them from being able to feel positively enough even get up from their beds. Perhaps hope plays a role in this behavior of being able to provide simple gestures of politeness on any given day.]

Now…
The more I thought about this topic, I realized that all of the good stuff—moral, ethical, whatever—it’s all earned. But so are the “bad” stuff.
Kindness, generosity, hospitality, empathy, understanding, respect. Even love, sadly.
We give what we’ve got, until we hit our personal limit. Also, just as they can be cultivated (either fast, or slow and steady) they can also slip away at the same rate.

I’ll use myself to illustrate an example. For me, kindness is the first to go. It will disappear the second I get hit with rudeness. It's instinctive—self-defense— which I’m sure applies to most.

Love and understanding, on the other hand, that’s the strongest tank I have. What I believe to be an endless supply but only for a very, very small circle, like my two kiddos. Maybe that’s also true for most people. Maybe not. Maybe you’re enlightened. Maybe you’re not afraid to die… Because that’s who keeps giving no matter what: the saints. The ones who play the long game and have a solid understanding of existence. Mother Teresa. Jesus. Those people had no limit. Their giving was clean. Pure... Not normal.
But for ordinary people, like you and me, who have not reached that point yet, ours is conditional. We ration our goodness.

Can respect be faked?

Of course. Everything can.

Humans can be phenomenal deceivers, and all deception tactics are really survival tactics. Some are bad at it, sure…but that’s just poor technique, not lack of intent.
Faked respect is essentially masked fear. Could be the fear of rejection, fear of losing a job, fear of jeopardizing your reputation, maybe even fear of getting hit.

So what if the person receiving your fake respect doesn’t know it’s fake? Does it matter?

Not to them. No.

But I would just keep in mind two things: you are the one folding under fear, on top of that, you’re also living a lie, not just them.
The upside? You get to live another day… figuratively, perhaps literally in some cases too. That’s why we do it. Some children will learn to do this [fake respect] with their parents, or elders. It’s a bit different with children though because they are still learning to understand what the difference between respect and politeness is, hopefully they eventually learn to feel the distinction. Prisoners probably must also fake respect quite often and theirs is certainly understandable as well since it keeps them safe.

I might be veering off a tad, but you get my point.

In the end, admiration, appreciation, respect, politeness… they all start to blur. Trying to pin down the differences between them sometimes feels like splitting hairs. Is it even worth the mental gymnastics?

I can sense my brain screaming “yes”.

As someone who tends to obsess over precision—especially in language—I’ll admit, it’s exhausting. That bit about my brain screaming? Completely wrong… but also, not really. We humans love speaking in ways that don’t always make sense. I do too. Sometimes the imagery is just too good to resist.
In any case. What’s even more ridiculous is that I keep re-enforcing the habit of obsessing over details. It seems to be intensifying with age.

Maybe it’ll fade. People often learn to let go of unimportant stuff as they grow older. That’s the wisdom we’re supposed to gain, right? But I also think everything peaks somewhere around 40 to 45… after that, you either mellow out, or you’re one of the outliers who refuses to change.

Anyway.

That’s it for today.

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